stream of consciousness in the deep of the nite

up late. again. every nite this week. got so much on my mind. so much to let out. nowhere to let it out. things i cant say plague my thots. keep me awake. when i should be asleep.

got anger.


comets of fury behind my eyes.

got people telling me i shouldnt. got some telling me i should. got one not saying anything and hes the one i really need to hear from. got stuff leftover that i dont want anymore. didnt really want it to begin with.

broken people.

broken images.

broken desires.

broken everything.

not sure why i still care. but cant deny it. want to get rid of it. pesky compassion. but cant. god knocking my hip out of joint every time i tussle with him.

seems to think i can be like jesus. keeps trying to make me that way. tho i rage. tho i scream and kick and bite. hes stronger than i am and he wins.

yet i am so not like jesus.

im full of all this stuff that im sure jesus wasnt full of. and im certain jesus would do much better in my shoes. he would have made good choices. reconciling everything. everyone wouldve ended up with popsicles and smiles.

cept that one group. the ones he ripped. they killed him. and i havent come anywhere near being killed by this group. so far its only cost me time and money and heartache and some nasty looks.

and uhauls.

i need some peace.

i need some love.

i need some air.

and i need to know where to look for whats next.


~ by graceshaker on August 2, 2009.

5 Responses to “stream of consciousness in the deep of the nite”

  1. My sympathy for your stress; I take it you’ve changed jobs/cities?

  2. back in the dfw metro and back in seminary. trying to finish my masters. hows the fam?

    • Doing well, thanks – got a new daughter due in October (and my Son, Sam, has just started pre-K). Seems like more education is how a lot of folks are riding out the recession; a bit painful once one has a family, but hopeful for the future.

  3. You are the most honest blogger on the net. Peace will come, but first the storm. Let it out my brother, lance the boil, if you hold it in it will fester. My prayers to you you.

    “I am so not like Jesus”

    Wisest words we all could utter.

  4. We Love…miss…and pray for you. May peace come soon.

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