coffee w satan (part ii)
if youve ever seen any movie where there is a guy trying to break into some top secret facility and hes dressed all ninja style and has a ton of gadgets that allow him to get in and out undetected by dropping from the airvents while catching drops of sweat that would have set off the infrared floor….?
yah that isnt satan.
hes actually a lot more like the kool-aid man who busts thru walls and yells: oh yeah! i dont know if hes gotten careless or just picked up some bad habits along the way but to hear it told he used to be quite clandestine.
what im trying to say is that he tried to be sneaky but it didnt work. he had all the stealth of a hungry infant with a soiled diaper. i winked at him when he poked his head out from behind the column and all the giddiness fled out of his face in an instant. he made his way over in a huffing pout and was good and worked up by the time he reached the table where i was seated.
scowling – he yanked the chair from under the table and sat down. i greeted him passively with a nod and continued typing. i was just in the middle of hammering out a thought i really wanted to complete – the kind you know will evaporate if you dont get it down somewhere – when he started making annoying buzzing sounds and looking puzzled as if some other random creature were the cause.
my thought evaporated into the clouded sky and i fought off the slight urge to sulk as i fixed my gaze on the lord of the flies. after some small talk in which he went to great lengths to lie about how many miles he had run that morning he stumbled into his usual routine of haranguing me with various temptations.
expecting too much from the prince of darkness will only set you up for an enormous let-down so i always temper my expectations when he begins to wield his deceptions. i mean seriously – i know hes supposedly adroit at fleecing people but i just cant figure it out because his methods are so excruciatingly obvious.
like the time he tried to convince me that if i wanted to get the attention of my corporate bosses i need to make my coworkers look like idiots. the part thats most bothersome is that it has to have worked before because he has used it on me several times.
but i digress.
that day he was almost begging me to try an extramarital affair with the barista who smiled when she gave me my coffee. he promised shed go for it and that it would be great and that no one would find out and that it could be this little side thing we both were into that would never be anything more than a booty call and on and on.
all it takes is a little observation to realize the things he was promising are never the case. they arent even the exception. in fact if thats ever really happened color me surprised. bc thats not how humans work. its like actually belieiving that when you drink beer while watching football a bunch of skinny models will appear out thin air and dance around you in dallas cowboy cheerleader outfits.
it just doesnt happen no matter how good the beer is.
so i waited until his spiel was at its zenith and then started humming jesus loves me – which always drives him absolutely bonkers. he stood up so forcefully in disgust that his chair almost fell over. he mumbled something about an 11 o’clock and headed back the way hed come. he was just disappearing behind a hedge when the sky released my unfinished thought and i went on typing and enjoying the beautiful day.
i often laugh at satan and there is nothing that makes him so angry as when i attack him to his face and tell him that through god i am more than a match for him.
~ martin luther