manifesto

ive been thinking and praying about the next step and wot god wants for me and my fam and its become clear: in the months ahead i will plant a church. in light of this declaration i have decided to establish a manifesto of sorts as a root for the work ahead. so this is that…

1. there are so. many. people. who dont know jesus. i love them and want to bring them into the kingdom.

2. im no longer listening to the chirping voice of defeat telling me im not qualified without letters behind my name. the father has prepared me via training and experience to both connect with people and to introduce them to their king and thats exactly wot im going to do.

3. i realize now that the things i dont know which i have allowed to hold me back will only find resolution as i take steps to plant the churches god has called me to plant – so im ready to move forward.

4. the father has given me the desire and ability to lead and teach so im going to honor that by doing both.

5. im going to stop focusing on all the negative stuff about church that ive ranted about for so long from the comfort of my desk chair and become an active and positive force for change.

6. im going to devote my time to a balance between reading/studying and relational efforts.

7. i want the story of my life to be full of stories about how people who met me were brot into the kingdom for the glory of the king.

please be praying for jesus to be glorified in everything that follows. if ur interested in being a part of this in any way please contact me.

resignation (part vii)

this final part has proved the hardest to write. the subject matter has plagued me almost daily for going on 6 months now and im still not sure ive completely worked thru it so i apologize for the delay as its taken some bit of struggle to get here ~ wherever here is.

and then it hit.

we were back in strangely the same situation we left 2 years ago. my wife working as a teacher with me staying home to take care of the littles and trying to finish my masters degree while living on one salary and not making ends meet. looking to god for direction and receiving a giant heaping bucket of silence.

and as we tried to integrate back into our former culture it became clear that we were no longer who we were when we left. the situation had obviously changed but there was more. tho our friends were still our friends the relationships had changed. we didnt spend as much time together and primarily saw them only at gatherings of the church whereas b4 we were with them every week sharing a meal as well as prayer and the word.

this is a natural progression and i dont have any ill feelings but it presented us with quite a different situation. in a way it was like starting over. we live in a place where we know very few people and have yet to establish the kind of long-term relationships that come only with time and regular proximity.

these feelings of isolation served to compound the feelings of abandonment i was already experiencing from a lack of contact with the men who had been my mentors here b4 we left for alpine. it wasnt that these men were purposely avoiding me (i dont think) but we rarely spoke and only saw each other a couple times.

and i was unraveling.

a growing sense of anger and frustration began to overwhelm me as i tried in vain to sort out what exactly god was up to and why he was being so mysterious about it. it seemed as tho all my training and experience had been packed into a box along with the rest of our belongings sitting out in the garage. and there was something very humiliating about having been ousted from yet another church.

i tried to convince myself that i was the victim and in many ways this worked bc i had in fact been on the brunt end of the poor discernment and bad choices of a specific group of people. i honestly wanted to nurture my present state of mind into a healthy reason to opt out of being a pastor for good. i was in some respects ready for my “best life now” to replace all the piles of bs that littered my ministry path.

so i retreated into my own little world – choosing to withdraw from active participation in life rather than face the pain. i stopped answering my phone and ignored friends and family. i sank myself into books and movies in order to avoid any real contact with the world around me.

if it werent for our lack of money i may well have become an alcoholic at this point bc i was experiencing such mental and emotional distress that all i wanted was some kind of soothing numbness. i felt a constant throbbing ache behind every waking thot. i was desperate to be wrapped up in the fathers arms and yet at the same time repulsed by the idea.

instead of truly grieving in any sort of productive manner i simply gave in to my negativity. i spent the better part of 6 months impetuously nurturing the very pain and fear that was making me miserable and i tethered these emotions to some old haunted hurt from my past and just wallowed for a while. i willingly surrendered to a dispassionate heart and mind tho consummately aware of the error involved in such a choice.

but i felt justified.

and as i was drifting toward a state of complete melancholy my wife finally told me to stop it. after several conversations wherein i bemoaned our circumstances and my anxiety she sat next to me on our bed and peeled off the scab revealing everything underneath.

she told me she didnt altogether understand why god had chosen this path for us but that he had and i needed to work thru my junk and get moving again. she pointed out that she didnt know why god had not allowed me to be like rob bell or donald miller but that he hadnt and that meant he had a different plan for me. she concluded that i was just moping in self-aggrandized indignation and jealousy.

sometimes…?

it takes a ray of sunshine

up your arse

to get your attention.

her words sparked something in me and coupled with our pastors series on praying the psalms and a tuesday night class on what the kingdom is all about motivated me to shake off the accumulated dross and reconnect with god in a way i hadnt in some time. and all this brot me to a foundational realization:

i needed to resign.

not from a church or from being an active member of the body but from my broken way of thinking. i needed to resign from the notion that god would be on board with whatever i wanted bc he owed me something due to my sacrifices. i needed to resign from holding onto every ounce of misery ever inflicted on me by other broken people. i needed to resign from my anger and dissatisfaction with the father. i needed to resign from wanting to be anyone other than who he wanted me to be and fighting him with every fiber of my being.

i needed to resign from being my own god.

and this is where i have been for the past few weeks. following after jesus christ – taking up my cross daily luke 9:23-24 stylie. killing off my old man. losing my life for his sake. giving up on being god.

in a lot of ways it seems like starting over from the beginning – as if i hit the big slide on a spiritual chutes and ladders. but its terribly refreshing being a dead man. everything i was holding onto and allowing to define me is now slipping thru my loosened fingers like sand.

my hiatus from being about the business of the kingdom has come to a close and im kneeling b4 the king again. my resignation isnt complete bc im still a broken human but im thankful to god for his mercy and grace in allowing me to make a complete fool of myself without snuffing my lamp. and i wake up every morning and spend a few moments devoting myself to destruction bc i recognize that my only hope is in christ.

its been a long hard road.

heres to the next step.

resignation (part vi)

after the mtg i felt as tho id been run over by a truck which then backed up and ran me over again for good measure before the driver hopped out and gave me a couple swift whacks with a baseball bat. my heart was racing and my mind was in a dumbfounded state of blank pause.

i couldnt think of anything clearly.

after everyone left the pastor and i sat for a few minutes together trying to make sense of it. i told him i wasnt sure what could possibly happen next or how this would play out but that i was having a hard time understanding how i might continue to minister at the church under such circumstances. we agreed to pray about it and parted for the night.

that night my wife told me of how she had been contacted that very afternoon by her former employer about the possibility of returning to the metroplex and taking a job with them again. the timing was just frightening but under the circumstances it seemed like a clear sign. our days in the pine were numbered.

the next morning i sat in his office again having been awake nearly the entire night. he asked wot i thot and i told him again that i couldnt see a way forward with a group that so clearly distrusted my leadership. it seemed obvious to both of us that my departure was immanent.

having planned the entire summers activities i was hoping to stay thru august. the pastor thot it best not to drag things out and wanted me to resign effective in 2 weeks. given the situation that put me and my family in i asked for a compensation package that would allow us to return to the metroplex and get into a home here. he agreed and called a mtg with the personnel committee to talk it over.

this mtg took place the following night on thursday. i tried to explain things in a positive light. i talked about my new plan to return to the metroplex and continue pursuing my seminary degree which had been placed on hold shortly after our arrival in alpine.

but they were curious.

and so i gave them an abridged version of the events and explained that tho there definitely needed to be some changes i could not be a part of bringing them about due to the circumstances. the committee members were in shock and had no idea anything was wrong. i remember thinking at the time that somehow i should have spent much more time with these people but as i understood it i reported to the pastor and he handled things from there.

nevertheless they dismissed me and began deliberating over the compensation package. im thankful that my friend who originally brot me there was on the committee to represent my best interests tho as it turned out i had nothing to worry about. they offered me a generous package that essentially paid me thru the summer while allowing me to leave at the end of may.

and for this i am very grateful.

they held a farewell lunch after the morning service on our final sunday and as it turned out the majority of people at the church were very supportive and sad to see us go. i remember not wanting to have any kind of special recognition but being able to receive encouragement at the lunch was a real blessing in the midst of the turmoil surrounding our exit.

in no time wed moved everything from our home in alpine into storage and were gearing up for a crazy summer. we took a short trip to the metroplex and found a great deal on a house about a mile from where we lived before. the transition seemed to be going well. at the first of july we loaded up a uhaul as well as a truck and horse trailer and made the full days journey home to our new digs where a crew of friends old and new were ready to unload everything into our new place. we were convinced gods providence and blessing were on us.

but i was completely unprepared for the days that followed

resignation (part v)

during the winter break one of the parents sent a letter to the pastor recommending my removal – among other things. several events i dont have time to recount predicated this but suffice to say it was mainly based on a fundamental disagreement about the nature of the role i filled and the methodology i employed in that role.

this was just one in a growing series of headbutts.

having my heart burdened for the victims of hurricane ike id spent the fall trying to convince the youth committee that god had given me a vision for our spring break that didnt include snow skiing in santa fe. in our planning mtg i made it clear that they could go skiing if they chose to do so but that i was planning a mission trip to the hurricane devastated texas gulf coast.

apparently this was not made as clear as id hoped and after we became aware of the confusion the pastor called a mtg and supported the mission trip idea. this quieted things leading up to the trip itself but it failed to actually resolve the problem which merely smoldered until after we returned at which point i had to meet with certain individuals and explain it all again.

this is when everything went speedily downhill.

after the intern resigned id texted facebooked and left voicemail on numerous occasions in an effort to rescue the relationship or at least resolve issues but for the remainder of the spring there was no reciprocal communication. the handful of times i was able to make it out to one of the bsm mtgs the former intern avoided me and made quick exits after it was over. this was the status quo for the semester.

in april i took part in a series of conversations with several different people which put me in a precarious situation. several college students and bsm members informed me that the parties had continued with underage drinking regularly taking place. this alone was no surprise but when i found out that the former intern was still active in being a spiritual mentor to some of the teenagers in my care i was given no further choice but to bring the matter into the open.

there was no way around it.

i still wanted to give the former intern an opportunity to be there to hear and respond to the accusations so i made one final attempt to make contact which resulted in a short mtg between us that left me at a complete loss for words. the former intern walked out but then contacted the pastor and several key committee members professing innocence and offering a version of the events that severely betrayed the truth of the matter.

and so it was that a mtg with the committee and other youth parents was called for a tuesday evening. the pastor began by offering a short version of what we knew. he made it clear that we had not been present but that the testimony had been given us by multiple witnesses. he shared the process we had undertaken with the intern at the time and the reason we had not immediately brot the situation to their attention. he explained our desire for reconciliation and not judgment.

he concluded his initial survey of the circumstances and opened the floor and the flood of questions and commentary that followed resulted in an apparent agreement among the group that the former intern was innocent and that i was the real problem. the mtg devolved from an informational expose on the accusations against the former intern for the sake of the potential damage that could be done into an open forum on the distrust borne toward me and my ministry with the youth of the church. i was told that several students had almost lost their faith bc of my teachings and i was accused of fostering open rebellion. i was blamed for the former interns dissatisfaction and departure.

and the seed of my resignation sprouted.

resignation (part iv)

this part of the story is a bit detailed so u may want 2 get something to sip and/or nibble on before u dive into it.

before beginning my second summer in alpine i already had the wheels rolling on hiring an intern to work with me specifically in the youth area. i wanted to bring along a college student who showed leadership potential and help them develop by giving them the opportunity to plan events and interact with our group on various occasions.

to this end i had been scouting the local baptist student ministries group at sul ross state university for about a year and decided to pursue the internship with their newly elected president who was in the process of looking forward to senior year and making choices for the future. on several occasions an interest in ministry had been the topic of our discussions so i prayed and looked for a way to make it happen.

a friend in the bgct helped the situation greatly by informing me of some special funds specifically for bsm interns which made our proposal to the youth committee at the church all the more compelling. with a written set of expectations and an agreement with the bgct for funding we presented the idea to the complete approval of the committee and brot on the intern at the first of the summer.

everything was falling into place.

the goal was to prepare and to accomplish this i opened up my office and home on a daily basis and we shared life and learning. i gave the intern assignments that included everything from using internet sites such as www.biblestudytools.com to research and learn about biblical passages and/or theological concepts to developing a 3 on 3 youth basketball tournament with local sponsorship.

it happened that my wife was due in june and after our third little one was born we learned she had underdeveloped lungs and would be forced to stay in the nicu for a while. the intern stepped up and served admirably as i attended the needs of my family – working on assignments and accompanying the pastor and youth to summer camp. when the baby was home and things settled a bit we took our annual trip to a music festival in midland tx called rock the desert.

i could tell the youth were really growing attached and their comfortable interaction with the intern was exactly wot id been hoping for. this paved the way for the intern to take on more leadership in the group. as the summer passed id been trying to share some steps for preparing bible studies and worship with the intern. the plan was to turn the reigns over to him once a month going into the fall – allowing him to gain valuable experience he could use either in future ministry endeavors or in work-related situations.

everything was going well.

fall semester started and we re-arranged our schedule accordingly – allowing the intern shortened hours and decreasing the workload to make sure  schoolwork and athletic activities didnt suffer. the expectation was to be at regularly scheduled youth events and spend a few hours with me every week.

i have to admit at this point that i failed to be the encouraging mentor i should have been. one of the primary reasons for problems in ministry is having so much going on that personal prayer and bible study get neglected. i failed to remain engaged in these activities as i should have and failed to encourage the intern to do the same.

this would soon become an issue.

not long after school started back up i was made aware of drinking parties taking place at the interns home. there were three roommates and the other two were complaining and asking for advice. as the story unfolded i learned that some of the ones drinking at these events were underage. given the delicate nature of our position and the way small towns work i talked with the intern about the situation – encouraging a no drinking policy but allowing for christ to be the final word on the matter.

still – i made it very clear that wotever the decision all future possibilities could not involve anyone underage. after the conversation i informed the pastor of the situation. his advice didnt waver from how i handled the situation so i felt confident moving forward that the issue would be resolved.

a month later i received another report from the roommates and an additional friend of the intern that the parties and underage drinking had continued unabated. again i made the pastor aware of the situation. he continued to advise that i handle the problem solely with the intern and so i attempted to pursue that course but all communication deteriorated rapidly to the point that by the holidays we werent talking. he showed up at a few youth events but remained unapproachable.

after new years the pastor and i agreed that the intern be given a final opportunity to either alter the situation or resign from the position. a  resignation letter followed about 2 weeks later but it seemed like there was a lot of unresolved tension and confusion about the situation from the intern as well as the parents. following the lead of the pastor to protect the reputation of the intern we did not to make public the reason for the resignation but that would eventually feed into the existing lack of trust.

and the end was much nearer than i expected.

resignation (pt iii)

when i arrived in alpine i wasnt fully aware of the situation i was walking into. the previous youth minister guy (who is now like family) made some seriously bad choices in his dealings with some of the teenagers and parents. he was forced to resign but the issues were never really dealt with adequately.

for this reason many of the youth and parents had unresolved trust issues in the position i had come to fill and though they befriended us they were keen on being watchful of everything i did. in some ways this was great. having worked in churches where not many youth attend and many parents dont seem to care we were excited that we finally had both youth and parents who wanted to be actively involved in wot we were doing and would take part in our various events.

as things got rolling my approach seemed to be drawing a crowd. the teenagers were coming and bringing their friends. they were interested in the bible and in asking questions. there was some lively discourse. everything seemed pointed in the right direction.

and the parents were involved in a number of ways. some sat in on bible studies. some hosted parties at their homes. some agreed to help with our efforts to be involved with the local fca. some agreed to go as sponsors on trips. it was great to have such devoted people working with us.

but shortly after my arrival a situation arose that stirred the unresolved trust issues. having jumped with both feet into a series of lessons on the gospel we got sidetracked from the concept of sin and ended up in a discussion about satan.

and i just dont like him.

i dont like teaching about him or even giving him the time of day. i think theres a plethora of misconceptions about who he is and where he came from and how powerful he is so whenever possible i dismiss him and focus on us bc we are the real problem. i really believe that we sin bc of our own desires as it says in james 1:14-15.

but each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desires. then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

but the youth were persistent about satan and so against my better judgment we got into a qna on the topic. rather than spoon feed the youth i tried to get them thinking about the texts they were bringing up in dialogue but in the end all i accomplished was frustrating and confusing everyone. as a result some of the parents became vocal as well and after a few weeks of such turmoil it was clear that we had gone completely adrift of my intent.

but the damage was done and coupled with their lingering trust issues only compounded the situation. there were other circumstances in the following months that only served to widen the gap.

my desire to have teenagers accomplish bible readings in advance of our regular bible study mtg time was deemed inconsiderate of their time and involvement in other activities. my approach to discipline during bible study was called into question when i asked one of the students to step outside after he made an inappropriate and disruptive comment. my leadership concerning plans for spring break was a source of severe continuing criticism for several months even lingering after our return from a trip to the coast.

with the unresolved trust issues serving as a foundation – these and several other issues created a vast and growing chasm between myself the youth and the parents. it was at the zenith of these problems that another matter came to the forefront and led to my departure.

and i honestly didnt see it coming…

(2 b continued)

resignation (part ii)

over the course of the next few weeks i traded phone calls with the lead pastor at the church in alpine. these talks led to another visit wherein my wife and i dropped the littles with her parents and went down for a weekend. this is wots known in baptist circles as coming in view of a call and tho i could spend a very long time on how that single phrase is tortured in baptist life the weekend went well.

we met with the pastor and his wife friday evening and then had a cookout on saturday with the youth and parents followed by a qna session. i shared my story about meeting god on the south rim of the chisos mountains and they asked us all about our likes and dislikes. were we into sports? band? choir? they wondered if we were ready to live in a town without a walmart.

they were curious about how we met and ended up getting married. but not one word was ever spoken about doctrine. the closest we came was my assurance to them at the beginning that we would all be on common ground when it came to the essentials and apparently that was all they needed. my use of  socratic method and penchant for skeptically questioning everything didnt seem to bother them at the time.

we were introduced in the service the next morning and they had an evening service planned around allowing the rest of the church to meet and get to know us thru another qna where mostly the same kinds of questions were asked. altho someone was curious about the holy wild having looked up some of our stuff online (i used to have a really nifty website…)

they voted on us and i was unanimously called by the church to become the associate pastor. we set out a timeline and worked out some of the details before my wife and i headed back to the metroplex to begin the process of packing and saying goodbye to friends.

we didnt realize that we were walking into a minefield.

(2 b continued)

resignation (pt i)

let me begin by saying that im a pastor. i dont like saying that bc of all the negative connotations it carries for so many people but its part of why im telling this story.

in march of 2006 my family started a house church with another family and some singles we knew. there were 11 of us counting children but we began meeting and grew very close. in june the church who had agreed to sponsor us pulled their support and we were left with only the small group that gathered every week.

for the next 6 months we tried to survive and press on but by january of 2007 it became clear that it wasnt going to work so our house church merged into another larger church and my role as pastor evaporated.

at the same time i was planning a much needed family vacation to the big bend area and remembered that a friend ran the paisano baptist encampment just outside of alpine tx. i called him and arranged for us to stay there during spring break. i love the big bend area and we were looking forward to a week away from everything.

within a week i got a call from that friend informing me he had put my name in the soup at his local church for a possible staff position. shortly after this i received a series of calls from the pastor in which we talked about the church and the town and he made some inquiries about my experience. during these phone calls i assured him on no less than 3 occasions that i was not interested in moving my family to his town.

i thot it was settled.

the pastor called one afternoon and said he was going to be in dallas and asked if we could meet. we got together and talked for a couple hours about the problems in the church – i talked at length about my differences with traditional ministry models – and we parted with smiles and a handshake. i assured him that i would pray about coming to alpine but that i didnt see god moving us despite my love of the area.

over the course of the next 3 months our financial situation tanked in spite of the fact that i picked up a job. by march we were at a crossroads so i agreed to visit the church while we were out there and on sunday of our vacation we headed in to alpine to attend morning services at first baptist church.

it was quaint. and very traditional despite their attempts to update some of the music. after the service the pastor invited us to lunch with his family and we got to know them better at a local steakhouse. i was even more convinced that we were not meant to be there until as we headed out of town on our way home from vacation god spoke and said that we would come to alpine and be blessed.

i was at a loss and had no idea wot was in store…

(2 b continued)

living after the loss

some friends of mine are hurting right now. one friend has discovered he is losing his mother while another has lost his son. as ive been praying and reflecting on death in the past few days ive been reminded of the thots and feelings tied to losing my dad as well as my grandfather who helped raise me. this piece is an attempt to exfoliate some of the pain involved for the sake of those who face living after the loss.

the next day was a long dull motionless blur

it was difficult to move

it was difficult to breathe

it was nearly impossible to do anything but stare absently at the floor

thinking produced tears

pictures

smells

unfolded clothes

the hollow  sound of no one coming thru the door

everything had the air of permanence

and yet the gravity of the moment

flitted about somewhere outside

like a moth not overly concerned

with landing anywhere at the moment

the funeral had been full of vacant promises

gone to a better place

at peace now

we need to get together soon

im here if you need me

words spoken with saddened heads

tilted slightly to the side

with an almost indiscernible nod

while completely unrelated

laughter erupted

a few feet away in another circle

as old friends made up for lost time

but it was quiet now

everyone was gone

their food and whispering as well

and the place was emptier than before

emptier than it was before

coffee w satan (part ii)

if youve ever seen any movie where there is a guy trying to break into some top secret facility and hes dressed all ninja style and has a ton of gadgets that allow him to get in and out undetected by dropping from the airvents while catching drops of sweat that would have set off the infrared floor….?

yah that isnt satan.

hes actually a lot more like the kool-aid man who busts thru walls and yells: oh yeah! i dont know if hes gotten careless or just picked up some bad habits along the way but to hear it told he used to be quite clandestine.

what im trying to say is that he tried to be sneaky but it didnt work. he had all the stealth of a hungry infant with a soiled diaper. i winked at him when he poked his head out from behind the column and all the giddiness fled out of his face in an instant. he made his way over in a huffing pout and was good and worked up by the time he reached the table where i was seated.

scowling – he yanked the chair from under the table and sat down. i greeted him passively with a nod and continued typing. i was just in the middle of hammering out a thought i really wanted to complete – the kind you know will evaporate if you dont get it down somewhere – when he started making annoying buzzing sounds and looking puzzled as if some other random creature were the cause.

my thought evaporated into the clouded sky and i fought off the slight urge to sulk as i fixed my gaze on the lord of the flies. after some small talk in which he went to great lengths to lie about how many miles he had run that morning he stumbled into his usual routine of haranguing me with various temptations.

expecting too much from the prince of darkness will only set you up for an enormous let-down so i always temper my expectations when he begins to wield his deceptions. i mean seriously – i know hes supposedly adroit at fleecing people but i just cant figure it out because his methods are so excruciatingly obvious.

like the time he tried to convince me that if i wanted to get the attention of my corporate bosses i need to make my coworkers look like idiots. the part thats most bothersome is that it has to have worked before because he has used it on me several times.

but i digress.

that day he was almost begging me to try an extramarital affair with the barista who smiled when she gave me my coffee. he promised shed go for it and that it would be great and that no one would find out and that it could be this little side thing we both were into that would never be anything more than a booty call and on and on.

all it takes is a little observation to realize the things he was promising are never the case. they arent even the exception. in fact if thats ever really happened color me surprised. bc thats not how humans work. its like actually belieiving that when you drink beer while watching football a bunch of skinny models will appear out thin air and dance around you in dallas cowboy cheerleader outfits.

it just doesnt happen no matter how good the beer is.

so i waited until his spiel was at its zenith and then started humming jesus loves me – which always drives him absolutely bonkers. he stood up so forcefully in disgust that his chair almost fell over. he mumbled something about an 11 o’clock and headed back the way hed come. he was just disappearing behind a hedge when the sky released my unfinished thought and i went on typing and enjoying the beautiful day.

i often laugh at satan and there is nothing that makes him so angry as when i attack him to his face and tell him that through god i am more than a match for him.

~ martin luther